I'm back...and becoming better

Welcome back to Amanda's Archives. I've missed you all and truly missed writing for you. I did take some time to myself while navigating an intense life circumstance that I'm not ready to discuss at the moment. I do look forward to sharing my experience with you all in the future.

On another note, I'm on a journey of not only self-love, but self rediscovery. Loving myself will always be a full-time job, and it's arguably one of the most difficult jobs. However, my readers, I need to be honest with you and myself.

I lost myself and I forgot who I was.

It's a very intense statement, I know, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it. I didn't entirely lose myself, I just stopped doing what makes me happy and stopped living the life I wanted to live. I was going day by day, almost surviving rather than living. I've always been very strong willed and in control of myself, so I truly didn't think this was possible. I don't want to come off as conceited by saying that either, but I have put in a lot of work to be secure in myself and who I am in the past. I'm now having to redo that work.

I allowed myself to compromise and release boundaries I'd set.

Was it entirely my in my control? Probably not, but I made those choices.

I stopped writing. I stopped reading. I stopped wearing clothes that made me feel good and wore what covered my body. I stopped doing yoga or going to the gym. I stopped talking to a lot of my friends. I let my physical health and overall well-being slip. I stopped caring about myself.

I can't exactly pinpoint where or when this happened, but it did.

I'm aware now.

It saddens me to look back on myself in that state, but all I can control is looking forward. So here I am, writing again. Reading again. Wearing whatever makes me feel good. Going to the gym. Eating better. Talking to the friends that stuck around again. Continuing to put work into myself through therapy and Al Anon meetings.

I have a solid feeling that this happens to everyone at some point in their lives, and there's a chance it'll happen again. However, I'm acknowledging it now and taking steps to change it.

I'm over the hump, but I'm not in the clear. It's easy to slip back into the easy way, the old way. I have good days and bad days, but each day I'm doing my best.

I'm starting to remember how good I am at writing. I'm starting to remember how much fun I have going out with friends. I'm starting to remember how good it feels to take care of my mind and body. I'm starting to remember who Amanda is.