Finding Al-Anon, and finding myself

A note before you read: This post reflects my personal experience with Al-Anon and my own journey to recovery. I am not speaking on behalf of Al-Anon or representing the organization or the people within it. To protect the anonymity of others, I have intentionally omitted names and details that could identify the people involved. My path to finding Al-Anon began through two people close to me; I didn't realize the true impact of one of them had on my life until after I began attending meetings. Their experiences with alcohol had a significant impact on me and my life. I will be referring to them as my qualifiers throughout, which is a term I've learned through Al-Anon for people whose drinking has affected my life. This post is not intended to speak for either of them, assign labels to them, or tell their stories; I'm simply sharing about me and mine. This is about my experience thus far, and the hope that sharing may help someone in a similar situation find the courage to strive for change.

When I first realized how alcohol was affecting my qualifier in a way that concerned me, I reached out to someone I knew who had dealt with the same issue for years. With the hope of speaking to this individual and finding answers to help my qualifier, I was actually given help for myself; the book How Al-Anon Works For Families & Friends of Alcoholics and the advice to attend an Al-Anon meeting.

At this point, I was already aware of the dangers of being codependent and a caretaker; I was also well aware that I was guilty of doing both. However, I still thought to some degree that reading this book and attending these meetings would cure my qualifier and mend our relationship.

Boy, was I wrong.

I remember my first Al-Anon meeting like it was yesterday. I went in, nervous as all hell. I was incredibly emotional, as another alcohol-induced incident occurred not that long ago from my qualifier. I knew I didn't want to speak during the meeting because I would cry. I was right — I just didn't cry during the meeting. It was after.

Another attendee welcomed me and asked what brought me in. I lost the little amount of cool I had and bawled to this complete stranger about my qualifier and all the hurt and fear and anger that I felt because of them. This was very out of character coming from a people pleaser who aimed to help others, not burden them, but the attendee listened and showed compassion despite this. That same person, like so many other Al-Anon members, reminded me to "Keep Coming Back," a statement I still hear to this day.

From that meeting on, I kept going every week. For a while it was just this one meeting, as I'm a creature of habit and this new life thing was already scary enough, but I kept going back. Even if I got busy one week and missed my meetings, I keep going back.

I recently learned how heavy the importance of Al-Anon approved literature is as well. I went to an earth-shattering meeting where we talked about the literature, and it blew my mind that these books and readings could be so useful outside of the meetings. I always feel serenity after my meetings, but what about in between meetings? Literature. Looking back, it sounds dumb how much it amazed me.

I'm still trying to incorporate reading it more into my day, but it has already been so helpful, especially since I'm still within the first step or two of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. It has helped me begin to learn one of the hardest things: alcoholism is a sickness.

I truly didn't understand the sickness until I read the "Coming to Terms with Another's Disease" section in How Al-Anon Works For Families & Friends of Alcoholics. The alcoholic in this chapter was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing the person affected by this and how they shifted from lost and confused to sympathetic and understanding was so amazing to me. I never thought to compare the two initially, but seeing the comparison made it seem so black and white. It may seem like an alcoholic chooses to pick up a beer, be unfaithful, lie, drink and drive, or engage in other harmful actions; it definitely seemed like it to me. I'm learning that alcoholism is much more complex than that. I'm discovering that when compulsion becomes a factor, the ability to make healthier choices can become impaired.

Admitting powerlessness over alcohol has been quite the pill to swallow. Coming to the realization that it wasn't my fault, I didn't cause it, and I couldn't do anything about it was a crazy concept for my fix-it brain to comprehend. From my experience, hiding it, dumping it and setting house rules to disallow it doesn't stop the problem — it only makes it worse.

Another thing I learned was that I'd actually been affected by someone else's drinking for almost my whole life. This qualifier's impact wasn't nearly as direct as my other qualifier's, but their choices still affected people I loved just the same. My choices, feelings, and opinions were shaped by this person and their choices — I just didn't realize to what extent until my experiences in Al-Anon opened me up to that possibility.

Now, I've been to meetings all around the area. Some with all women, some with men and women. Some with people my age, some not. Some were indoors, some were outdoors. Some were packed rooms, while others had fewer people than fingers on my hand. They all have one thing in common: everyone has been affected by someone else's drinking.

As far as my personal progress through the program and the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon, I've barely made it past the first step. I am still seeking a Sponsor and trying to live by one of the many Al-Anon phrases I've learned: "One Day at a Time." Regardless, I know my progress won't be linear, and I may take two steps forward and one step back or one step forward and two steps back.

After my most recent meeting, I went outside to see a double rainbow. One was vibrant and bright, and the other was faded. To me, I saw them as two versions of myself: the faded rainbow represents who I was before I discovered the program and the bright, beautiful rainbow is who I am now — getting the help I need and having the courage to change myself and my ways.

The big takeaway is I want to change myself. I don't want alcoholism to affect my life the way it has in the past, and I don't want to react the way I have in the past. I have lots of work to do, but my gratitude for this program is endless.